What’s Your Love Language? Therapists Question the Quiz
More than 150 million people have taken the Love Languages quiz, according to its website. Therapists say the five-category theory has little scientific backing, can oversimplify relationships and may be used to pressure partners, though it can help couples start a conversation.
More than 150 million people have taken the Love Languages quiz online, according to the Love Languages website, yet therapists say the answer to "what's your love language?" may tell couples less than they think.
The quiz sorts people into five types: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. US pastor Gary Chapman first set out the idea in 1992.
Where the idea came from
Unlike attachment theory, another popular way of thinking about relationships, love languages do not have scientific origins. Chapman said the theory came to him while he observed couples in counselling sessions at his parish.
The five types now turn up everywhere. Contestants on dating shows ask each other their love languages, and "My love language is…" is a common prompt on dating apps.
What therapists say
Counselling psychologist Dr Sarah Emmerson said the quiz still comes up regularly in her sessions. "There's almost no-one out there who hasn't taken that quiz," she said.
Couples often use it as shorthand for incompatibility, she said, such as "my partner is Physical Touch and I'm Acts of Service, so this doesn't work".
Emmerson said research has not backed the idea. "Research has proven that there isn't a lot of validity to the idea that there are only five ways in which people show love, and that everybody fits neatly into these categories," she said.
Psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer said the framework can still be a useful starting point. It helps people think about "what you really like in a relationship, and what do other people really like". She called it "hugely limited" and said it risks "oversimplifying everything".
Criticism of the book's examples
In recent years, many therapists have warned that Chapman's examples lean too readily on scripture and on unequal relationship dynamics.
In his Love Languages book, Chapman describes counselling a woman called Ann. Her husband of 10 years is hostile and verbally abusive towards her. Chapman advises her to "rely heavily upon [her] faith in God" to have sex with him more often.
Sturmer said love languages can also become a tool for pressure. "There's a risk if someone says, 'well my love language is receiving gifts, so you must give me gifts all the time, or my love language is physical touch, so you must be physically intimate with me all the time," she said.
What couples can do instead
Emmerson's advice is to listen. "Don't just wait until you can speak, but try to hear what they are saying and acknowledge their feelings," she said.
She also suggested speaking with "I" statements to avoid blame, leading with your own feelings rather than accusations. The Love Languages team has been contacted for comment.
