After 25 Years, Husband Finally Finds Fit, One Problem Remains
A woman married 25 years says she and her husband found a workable intimacy arrangement after she came out as asexual. Constant sexual talk at home is straining it. A sex educator and the column's advisers offered advice on boundaries.
A woman married for 25 years wrote to a sex advice column, in a letter published November 9, 2026, saying she and her husband had finally found a workable arrangement after she came out as asexual, but that his constant sexual talk at home is wearing her down.
She said the framework took shape about six months ago. Her husband realized he has a fetish he had long felt ashamed of. The couple followed advice they found online and now have encounters that are not sexual for her but are very erotic for him.
They set aside one time a week for it. From time to time she also cuddles him while he masturbates. She called the arrangement great, "especially for him."
Where the arrangement strains
The trouble comes in between. She wrote that her husband talks often about how attractive he finds her and how sexy it is when she wears or does certain things. She finds this "disturbing and unsettling" and wants to go about her business at home without it.
She does not want to wear certain items because he likes them, except during the weekly session. She does not want praise when she happens to do something he finds exciting.
He has agreed to rein himself in but slips up, she said. During their sessions he has also crossed lines they agreed on, for example by "coincidentally" grazing a body part.
Their conversations about it are difficult. She said her husband feels "constrained" and "jailed" and says she is "all boundaries." He becomes sad and depressed, and she feels it is her fault.
She noted he is having more sex than in many years, along with more cuddling and attention, and that their relationship has improved overall. He sees a therapist but does not want to attend together.
What the adviser and educator said
The columnist who answered consulted Aubri Lancaster, a sex educator who focuses on asexuality and aromanticism. Lancaster said the couple "seem to be focused on what he wants more of and what she wants less of, which is not uncommon when a sexuality like ace is defined by what we don't want."
The columnist advised the wife to think about what she does want, including what intimacy looks like for her. Asking for things, the reply said, feels more positive than listing what she does not want. It also raised the question of whether her husband offers platonic intimacy or whether closeness always carries a sexual feeling.
Lancaster drew a distinction between a boundary and a rule. A boundary is something a person sets for themselves, she suggested, while a rule is set for other people. The columnist said she dislikes the husband treating the wife's boundaries as rules that limit him.
The column recommended Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It suggested the wife mark passages to share, and that her husband read the book and share sections back.
The reply also said that, even within a monogamous marriage, the husband could talk about his sexuality with a trusted friend or a support group. That, it said, could take some pressure off his wife.
